Puberty felt like a taboo topic when I was a kid. I don’t recall hearing people talking about it openly. I don’t recall having discussions with my mom or my girlfriends about puberty. In fact, I don’t recall how I went through puberty at all. Was I afraid, scared, or proud? How did I learn about it?
Everything seemed to be a blur.
When my daughter was about six, I had a flashback — something I had never cared to remember until then. The memory that I’d tried so hard to forget.
It had me worried about how inexperienced I am when it comes to puberty. How do I guide my daughter through this milestone?
The flashback
An eight-year-old me was happily skipping one day. Suddenly, I needed to use the bathroom. I ran fast to the bathroom, forgetting to knock. My mom was in the bathroom, and I saw her bleeding from down there.
I was embarrassed seeing her in the bathroom; without thinking, I shut the door and ran out quickly.
My heart was beating hard!
As I arrived at the yard, I started to experience a rush of emotions — guilt, embarrassment, worry, fear, and confusion, with numerous questions.
Oh damn I broke the knocking rule!
Oh damn my mom was in the bathroom!
What was going on with my mom?
Why was she bleeding?
I’ve never seen anyone bleeding that way. What could it be?
The eight-year-old me quickly jumped to the conclusion that my mom must be dying. She must be so sick, probably with terminal cancer.
My mom was dying. The person whom I loved most was dying.
Why my mom? Why did it happen to me?
I started crying!
Why was she hiding her illness from me? Was she trying to shield me from the pain?
I was terrified and didn’t know what to do. I wondered if I should check in on her. I wondered if I should ask her about what I saw.
Ask her, just ask her, I urged myself…
But if she was dying, I shouldn’t make it harder for her by having to confront me, I thought. Thinking back, my biggest fear was actually the confirmation that my mom was dying. I couldn’t bring myself to ask….
I chose to sit in the dark with the fear that my mom might die soon, that I would not have a mom in the near future.
I decided to pretend that the event never happened. I pretended that I had no concerns whatsoever. And when something reminded me of the memory, I quickly reminded myself: It’s just life; people don’t talk about their pain, and you don’t want them to be reminded of it.
I never got the courage to ask.
I don’t think it even occurred to my mom that she needed to explain to me what I ran into. Or maybe she was even embarrassed to be seen like that — it was a taboo kind of thing, after all.
I held on to the thought that my mom was dying for about two years till I got my first period — when my mom just handed me some pads with minimal explanation — to realize she wasn’t dying.
I tried hard to bury the memory, so I wouldn’t have to think about it ever again.
As a mother now, I wanted to hold that little girl me tight, to tell her that her mother was just menstruating, as all women did, and one day, she would go through womanhood, like that. My heart hurt for my eight-year-old self.
Preparing my daughter for puberty
The memory came back without my even wanting to recall it. It was a wound that never healed.
I never want my daughter to have to go through something similar to what I did, at least in this regard. For this particular trauma, I made sure my daughter was aware that women do go through something called a period or menstruation once a month, starting as early as nine years old, and that it is healthy and normal that we all go through it, until a certain age.
I want her to go through puberty with confidence. I want her to feel prepared and acquire information that she should know from reliable sources. I want her to know that I am here for her if she ever has any questions.
The talk about puberty
Once she hit eight years old, with the help of many of the children’s librarians (THANK YOU!), I started bringing home simple puberty books for her to scan through. She enjoyed exploring these types of books on her own, so I let her choose which ones she wanted to read.
The puberty topic isn’t easy for me due to my childhood trauma, but I’ve tried hard to approach it as casually as anything else with my daughter.
Starting at the age of nine, training bras became a topic of conversation as many of her friends began using them. My inner self was excited and nervous for her.
One day, she came home sharing with me that one of her friends started having periods, as a matter of fact. I was delighted that she shared this with me. And I was happy that she talked about it with me, just like how she usually shares her days. Deep down, I was nervous — her puberty wasn’t far in the future.
I know we are just at the start of her puberty journey, but I’m so glad that we broke this tradition about puberty in my family.
Build her self-confidence
As a parent, I oftentimes have the urge to do everything for my children, to help them when they struggle. I want to be the shield to protect them from the outside world.
Yes, that would work if I never let my children out in the world, on their own. That would work if I wanted them to be little children and always come back to their mommy to solve all their problems.
No, that is not what I want for my children, even tho selfishly I sometimes want them to stay small and dependent forever. I want them to be ready to spread their wings and face the world on their own.
It’s not easy seeing your child struggle without jumping in to help right away, but the closer my daughter gets to puberty, the more determined I am to equip her with basic life skills and let her solve her own problems until she exhausts all resources, to get her closer to be a capable and independent woman.
We went on a vacation a few months ago and had to take long flights to our destination. Everyone, including my daughter, was exhausted, but she took care of herself the whole time, from ordering her own food to using the bathroom by herself, from keeping track of her belongings to carrying them — all on her own. I offered help, and she didn’t even need it. This is such a big step…
I deeply appreciate this moment, especially with multiple young children. One less child to worry about, I’m so grateful. I’m so proud of her.
One step closer to a more independent person. I have mixed feelings about this achievement: I’m proud and happy for her, but a bit sad about the changes in our relationship.
Help!
I went through puberty thinking there was no need to make a fuss because it was just a part of life. I know how wrong those thoughts were, especially now that I have a daughter of my own.
It wasn’t until I was in my adulthood that I started paying attention to my body when I went through my period. I started noticing back pain, sharp pain in my abdomen, tummyache, and mood swings. I wonder if I had suffered through all these pains without knowing the cause for many years? I wonder if I thought I was just broken instead of trying to understand why.
I’m thankful that at least I am now aware, and that my daughter will not have to go through puberty like I did. I will make sure she knows about puberty and what it means to go through puberty. I will make sure she is aware that she might be moody, aching, and in pain, and that is totally normal when she is having periods. There is nothing wrong with her. And I will be there for her!
I will make sure we celebrate her in whatever way she feels comfortable when she has her first period, to welcome her into womanhood.
How do you prepare your daughters for puberty?